[27] Unpacking the Crap: A Journey to Self-Love and Authenticity with Pamella Jensen

In this week's episode, I sit down with the amazing Pamella for a heart-to-heart chat that's sure to resonate with you! Pamella takes us on her personal journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. We get real about unpacking and sorting through beliefs, especially the ones tied to religion. And let me tell you, it's been a ride—one that's brought her to a place of greater authenticity and empathy.

We dive into the nitty-gritty of the challenges and rewards she's encountered along this journey. Pamella doesn't hold back as she shares the highs and lows, stressing the vital role of self-care, self-acceptance, and a sprinkle of playfulness in crafting a truly fulfilling life.

But that's not all – Pamella opens up about her vision for the future. Spoiler alert: it involves extending a helping hand to others on their own paths of self-discovery and empowerment. So, join me for an inspiring conversation with Pamella that's all about embracing the journey, finding your authentic self, and living your best life!

Links and Mentions



About the Guest
Pamela (Pam-ELLA) Jensen has been on this planet for 50 years, living the last 19 in the PNW. She's married (20 years in April) with 2 furbabies of the feline variety.  

Pamella is in a season of actively unpacking/sorting through the crap her body, mind and spirit have held as Ultimate Truth for most of her 50 years. That means she's pulling the pin on outdated foundational beliefs and leaning in towards more love for herself and more love for others. So...deconstruction plus menopause, oh the fucking joy!! 

Currently, she works full time as a kickass Office Manager of a Law Firm and side gigs as a blogger who aspires to write a book/s one day as well as inspire others through live interaction from the stage with a mic in her hand. 

Transcript

[TRANSCRIPT]

0:00:00 - (Melissa): Welcome to my Life is a Saturday, the podcast that helps you live your best life by embracing a Saturday mindset. I'm your host, Melissa Janson, and each week I'll be sharing my experiences and interviewing guests who have learned how to make the most out of every day. From tips on how to develop a positive mindset to ideas for living a more fulfilling life, we'll cover it all. So get ready to let go of your worries, embrace your passions, and live life to the fullest.

0:00:26 - (Melissa): Ready to dive in? Let's go. All right. Hello, friends. Welcome back to yet another episode of my Life is Saturday Podcast. Holy hell. How did we get here? I have absolutely no clue, but I am grateful. Today's episode is going to be so good. Today we're interviewing someone who I admire that I met last February in real time, that would be February 2023. We met on an adventure trip to Costa Rica, and from the moment we met, I just knew that we were going to be friends.

0:01:04 - (Melissa): Pamela is someone who can always make you smile, has a way of lighting up the room, and the way that she tells stories is just like, it's enchanting. And I can't wait for you to get to meet her. Are you ready? Welcome, Pamela.

0:01:26 - (Pamela): It's so good to see you. It's so good to talk to you.

0:01:30 - (Melissa): It's so good to see you. I have missed your face. I honestly, in my mind, have teleported back to Costa Rica quite a few times.

0:01:39 - (Pamela): Oh, my gosh.

0:01:41 - (Melissa): Such a lovely experience.

0:01:43 - (Pamela): It was. I would love to go back again this year and repeat it.

0:01:48 - (Melissa): Yes, that would be so nice. Will you just tell the people a little bit about you?

0:01:55 - (Pamela): A little bit about me? Let's see. I am 50 years old as of last April 23 and crashed into that space. Grew up in the midwest, moved out to Oregon in like, 2007 or 2005, actually. My God, it's gone quick. And just hanging out here. I have a hubby of OB 20 years this coming April, and I have a couple of crazy furballs in my house. We don't have kids or anything like that. And that's kind of the short version of me in a nutshell.

0:02:36 - (Melissa): I love it. I'm so excited to talk with you and to kind of dive deep a little bit more into what you've been experiencing as you go throughout life, having it feel like a Saturday. In the bio that you sent me prior to us recording, you kind of mentioned that you've been in a season of actively unpacking and sorting through crap in your mind, your body and your spirit, can you set the stage and kind of let us know what that journey has been like?

0:03:09 - (Pamela): Oh, my God. It's like taking a house and scraping it down to the foundation and then only finding that foundation and then finding out that that foundation is cracked and needs to be completely destroyed and rubbled and pulled back away. I also liken it to being coated in honey and set out in the field completely naked and then having all the creatures that come up that aren't that friendly come and get to you. So I guess, suffice it to say, it's been a really painful season.

0:03:41 - (Pamela): It's been a really lonely season for me. Part of that unpacking of the crap is unpacking a lot of old christian beliefs that I had for the majority of my life. Oh, my goodness. There's so much shit in there and so much suppression in there that I've discovered that I just stuffed things down and pollyannad out the world. Turns out that's a big ass lie. And when you start facing truths and start looking at things, you start to discover and find depth of more love and more freedom.

0:04:25 - (Pamela): You lose friends in that space, too. So that's been part of that journey. But I wouldn't take it back for anything, because I'm more authentic. I'm maybe not the Pollyanna Pam that I used to be, but I will take this version of me any day, because I feel like I can hear people now, and I can listen to their stories now, and I have empathy for everyone now that I didn't have before. I had a lot of judgment before, and so it's interesting to be on the train that sloughs off judgment and brings freedom and just growing and learning in that space. I never want to stop growing and learning. That's part of the journey, too.

0:05:07 - (Melissa): Yeah. It's so interesting to hear where you've come from and kind of what you're going through, because, granted, we met in February, so we've known each other for just shy of a year. But I would never pin you as someone who is judgmental or the things that you describe. That's just so far away from Pamela, and it's so interesting that that's the journey you've been on. When from the outside, someone getting to know you, you embody all of the things that it sounds like you've been working towards, and I would never have guessed.

0:05:49 - (Pamela): That's awesome. I appreciate that, because I'm such a harsh now, the person I judge is myself really harshly, and I'm also trying to unpack that because that's part of the journey, but it's refreshing to hear that. And I appreciate that because when I keep unpacking different things, it's almost like I was a closeted judgmentalist. I had these things I believed and I was taught, and this person's not good enough that or whatever. Not ever in those terms per se, but just the subversive supremacy of the christian nationalist and the christian culture in a lot of that space. And so it was very subversive where I thought I was better than other people because I knew Jesus and those poor souls that didn't. And I'm like, fuck that.

0:06:40 - (Pamela): Of the. One of the huge parts of this unpacking happened in Costa Rica, because I was sitting there visiting with a couple of our gals that were there with us, and it just struck me like I just all of a sudden realized that I'm not inherently bad. And that maybe sounds like the dumbest ass statement on the planet for a 49 year old woman to realize, but it made me cry. Like, as soon as I had that thought, I'm not inherently bad. Like, I'm actually good.

0:07:09 - (Pamela): And it was like, oh, shit, I have believed I'm inherently bad for my whole life. And I don't know, that's part of the unpacking. You just got to unpack that stuff. I give everybody else grace on the planet except for me. And that's part of the unpacking too, is realizing why do I treat myself differently and why don't I qualify for all the things that I allow other people to qualify for, and why wouldn't I give myself the same advice I give everybody else?

0:07:45 - (Pamela): And so it's been interesting to have those things pointed out to me by really valued people in my life and then go, oh, that's a pretty good point. Why don't I do that for myself? And so that's part of the unpacking in that process, too.

0:08:04 - (Melissa): I think that's such a relatable take. I think that so many of us, when we allow ourselves, really, the opportunity to explore thoughts, may come to the conclusion that we also believe that we're inherently bad. I feel like that's something that's common, but it can feel so isolating and feel so, I guess, like trapping in living life. And it's one of those things that we don't talk about. And so I think it's one of those ideas that we roll around with just believing that's how life is and never challenging it because it's so personal, right?

0:08:46 - (Pamela): Oh, it's very vulnerable to share that with someone else and be like, hey, I think I'm a horrible person, or I've been taught I'm a horrible person through whatever service that is, or I was treated horribly, so therefore I must be only worthy of horrible treatment. So we get in this space, and what I'm learning is it's just inherently exhausting because you're always working to be good. You're always working to be better, whether that's in a religious context or just a life context.

0:09:14 - (Pamela): You're working for affection, you're working to be worthy of people. You're working to be appreciated. You're working to be loved. And it's like, no, I'm loved just because I am. And even if I can't name a single person in the world that loves me, I'm fucking loved so deeply because the universe created me and made me and comes to my aid and is there, and it's a mind job. And so many people, like you said, feel that way. And it's kind of part of the, I want to blow that shit up in people's lives. Like, I want people to realize, what do you really think about yourself?

0:09:55 - (Pamela): And can you sit with yourself quietly? And do you like that time? Can you do that? Or do you have to have music or books or things? Or can you just sit and enjoy a cup of coffee or enjoy a cocktail and just sit? Do you love your own company? Do you love yourself? And how does that unpack? And I think the end of the day, a lot of us can't really say that. And I think that's one of the biggest problems in the world, is that people can't.

0:10:19 - (Pamela): They don't love themselves. So then they're all twisted trying to love other people in different boxes or what have you. And that sucks, man. We need a love fest in a big, bad way.

0:10:36 - (Melissa): I couldn't agree more. Now we're talking about this journey of self love, but I'm curious to go back to the beginning. Was this a journey that you set out on, like, you got ready for the road trip, or is it something that you just woke up and you were on the freeway?

0:10:56 - (Pamela): That's a pretty good analogy. I think I thought I was on the journey, and I think I thought I prepared myself for the journey, and that would be years ago when it really came to me. Honestly, I was in a yoga class, which is maybe the strangest thing ever, and I was in the mirrors in the front row, and I hate mirrors, and I hate looking at myself and all the things. And the yoga instructor was like, look in your eyeballs. I need you to look in your eyes and know that you are loved. And I realized I was super uncomfortable with looking in my own eyes.

0:11:31 - (Pamela): Like, I'd get ready in the morning, do the mirror thing and whatever, and then I would walk away, and I would not look in the mirror again, and I didn't. So to stare in your own eyes, and when you see for me the deep void of affection there and then, I just saw the loathing. I mean, I couldn't even say hatred. It was just self loathing. I'm like, oh, my God, I hate myself so much. And it wouldn't look like anybody else on the planet would never, ever guess that of me. But to face yourself in the mirror and go, okay.

0:12:06 - (Pamela): And so that was good God, quite a few years ago, so I thought I'd unpack on my self love journey. And then it goes even deeper than that, because all of that love was defined only by religion and by a God that I was told be good or go to hell type of a deal. And then when you also, I'm unpacking that layer. So then I found myself in the middle of a six lane highway, just getting hit left and right.

0:12:30 - (Pamela): Boom, boom, boom. Constant crashes, constant interactions. And I still have a lot of those interactions where it's just like, oh, my God. I really thought that. Like, I really believed that. Or I'm like, man, I look back and I'm like, that's fucked up. I mean, I felt sorry for people who didn't know Jesus, and I helped, you know what I mean? And I'm just like, oh, that's pretty gross because they're not less than anybody else who know or whatever. So unpacking that space. So it's just this constant wave of traffic and wave of.

0:13:05 - (Pamela): I was. I thought I was prepared and on a journey with my little knapsack on the stick and the twig behind me and carrying out hug Finn style, going out in the woods. And then it turns out that I took a turn and then was in the middle of just an unending six lane highway. And it's consistent roaring of the traffic as I look for those peaceful moments and those rest stops where I can pull over and go, okay, I can take a break. I'm okay. I don't have to work. I don't have to do this. And finding those respites in the traffic break right. And the helicopters flying over to check on me and see how I'm doing and reporting on the traffic on Pam's eye.

0:13:49 - (Pamela): But, yeah, that was a really good question. Yeah. Both. There's the short answer after I just talked about it for five minutes.

0:14:00 - (Melissa): Both.

0:14:00 - (Pamela): That's both.

0:14:01 - (Melissa): There you go. You're welcome. I think that both is that dichotomy of life where it's like, truly, I feel like a lot of us, deep to our core, believe it's an either or. And life is just above all, so.

0:14:17 - (Pamela): Well said. It is. Life is an area of grace. It's not black and white. And I think that's part of what I've unpacking, too, is, I believe black and white, all or nothing. And it's like, oh, God, no. It can be a little bit of this and could be a little bit of that. And it's not always happy. And if it's sad, it's not always going to be sad. And it's just that black and white thinking like that has got to go. Because life is just a series of grace.

0:14:43 - (Pamela): It really is. And there's moments of brightness. I'm investigating doing a mushroom journey, like a treatment type journey coming up. I'm just investigating it. I'm really thinking about it. It's helped someone I know a great deal. I'm thinking. I feel like I'm stuck in a space. And she's like, how would you describe yourself right now? Like, in a nutshell. And I'm like, I'm depressed. I'm repressed with moments of brightness because I really think that overall, that's what it is.

0:15:10 - (Pamela): There's a lot of stuff coming up that's dark and hormonal stuff, and all of that stuff in this phase of my life really sucks. And then the repression of realizing I've pretended to be kind of someone I'm not. Not that I'm not me, but I've repressed a lot of things. I haven't used my voice. I haven't spoken up for myself. But then the moments of brightness, because when I get to connect with beautiful people like you and friends in my life, and I get to just laugh and play, and I'm like, oh, it's beautiful.

0:15:40 - (Pamela): So it's knowing that life is a mixture of stuff. It's not all or nothing. And that is very mature and very helpful to understand along the journey. And if we can figure that out at younger ages, then people are figuring it out today. I think there's a lot of people on the journey of figuring that out today. And it's really fun to watch that happen. And you always want that generation below you or below you to just be that much.

0:16:08 - (Pamela): Let our ceiling be their floor. So they're that much smarter, that much sooner ahead. So when I see wonderful people like you, like, going, oh, I get this shit. Well, you're in your thirty s, and here I am, 20 years down the road, trying to unpack the shit, right? And I'm like, God, if I would have been as smart as you or known what I knew, wow, what a different world it may have been for me at this phase. And so there's a little bit of jealousy.

0:16:35 - (Melissa): Fair.

0:16:36 - (Pamela): But it's so encouraging to me because I want to see people rise above the bull and just know that there's more out there than the everyday same old crap that everybody's always told them is only attainable, and that's just a lie. So it's kind of fun to see that unpack on people's faces and in their worlds, and when they register it and their lives become Saturdays.

0:17:06 - (Melissa): We'Re on a spinning rock in the middle of nothing and everything all at once, 100%.

0:17:11 - (Pamela): I love that.

0:17:12 - (Melissa): I feel like one time I was super stoned, and I was like, the rules are just the rules because somebody invented them. And then we all agreed that they were the rules, and it was like, the biggest fucking epiphany. And since then, I'm like, we're on a city rock. Really? There are no rules to this thing.

0:17:30 - (Pamela): There is no rules to this thing.

0:17:32 - (Melissa): No. And I think it's supposed to be enjoyed to the mushroom trip. That is so exciting. I loving that that's something that you're exploring. I had a guest on the podcast in 2023. Her name is Chelsea Renee, and we talk a little about. She facilitates mushroom journeys, but I can connect you, so you can check out her instagram. I think that's such a cool pathway to go to, and I can't wait to hear about it and see what you experience.

0:18:06 - (Pamela): Oh, yeah, I'm excited about it. Well, I've been kind of contemplating it for a couple of years, and, I mean, it's good to live in Oregon, right, where some things are opening up. And I checked into a really local resource, but it was pretty freaking spendy. And I was just like, you know what? If you're really trying to help people, your price point in this? I was fair. I was kind of my response, but I'm like, you are pricing this out of the market for probably the people that might need it most in the world.

0:18:35 - (Pamela): The gal was very pragmatic. She's like, get it, and blah, blah, blah, blah and whatever. But I've since then found through another source, someone who does that. And then my friend did a trip, did the deep dive trip with this. Gosh, I wish I knew her resources. I'll have to send it to you, but I actually have an hour phone call tomorrow to chat about it, so it's a consultation. So I had to fill out this whole big thing to kind of check it out and see.

0:19:02 - (Pamela): And then hearing my friend's experience with the trip was super helpful because we have a lot of things where we think alike and we are just very mindseted in a lot of spaces and a lot of trauma in our history as children growing up or as kids growing up, which I think everyone honestly has, whether we realize it or not. But it's just the power of unlocking. I mean, I'm micro dosing right now as a part of the menopause journey and I think it's really helping.

0:19:30 - (Pamela): I wasn't sure, so I ran out in September and I waited and I microdosed over the weekend of my husband's birthday. And then I ran out. And then, yeah, shit kind of hit the bricks big time. And I'm like, oh, I haven't been doing that again. Like, okay, I think it is really helpful for me and whatever. It just almost like taking an edge off or I didn't even know how to really explain it. But again, the same friend of mine, she had been doing that had been helping her in her menopause journey. So it's been interesting. And I'm like, if it can help me in that space, what if it can help me unlock some of the secrets in my mind that are blocked?

0:20:09 - (Pamela): Because I feel like I go 100 miles an hour all full boron and then just the shit drops out and I stop everything. I relaunched my blog that I had. I took down everything I'd already written. I ripped it all down, took it all down. 150,000 words off the Internet took them all down. Everything's out. Rebranded, relaunched, redid. And I've only posted three times. And that was like the middle of November.

0:20:34 - (Pamela): And I'm like, I haven't got another damn post out there yet. And I'm like, what the fuck? Why do I do? Why can't I succeed per se in that space? That's really where I want to be. I want to be writing, I want to be encouraging. I want to be doing that. But then what's the block there. Why can't I just dive into that space? And I think it is because I am walking through healing in a lot of areas, too.

0:20:59 - (Pamela): The holistic psychologist, I don't know if you've heard of her. Yes. Oh, my God. She unpacks some stuff.

0:21:07 - (Melissa): Yes.

0:21:08 - (Pamela): Good Lord, there's so many. Like, she'll do her little videos with her partner that just like, it's a mother and a daughter. And you're like, oh, holy shit. It was like nine for nine. You got me.

0:21:18 - (Melissa): Yes.

0:21:19 - (Pamela): Because you're just like, yeah, that totally. That was my childhood. Or we don't realize how many things go back to that. And it doesn't mean our parents were bad. It doesn't mean they did the best they freaking could with what they had. But it's helpful to know what we didn't get in those stages and how to reparent ourselves now as adults and go, no, I'm worthy of all of those things. And that's a journey in and of itself.

0:21:46 - (Pamela): That part of it, too. So I'm kind of turning my whole skin inside out, just scrape down all the things and then trying to sew it back together bit by bit.

0:21:59 - (Melissa): It's a worthy endeavor, for sure.

0:22:03 - (Pamela): It is painful as a motherfucker, but so good and so necessary. I don't know if my husband would agree, but necessary for me. And I know that he totally supports me, but I just feel bad because it's a destructor of self for a while and trying to unpack those things. It's totally a worthy endeavor. It's like a long trip and it's just worth it. It's exhausting and all the stuff, but it's so worth it. It's just going to be. And I hate to say, like, on the other side, it will be better because it's already better.

0:22:47 - (Pamela): There's things that aren't as great, but it's also, I would call almost a fake community. Not that people didn't love me or whatever in those spaces, but I couldn't fully be me, and I'm trying to unpack who the me is and then go forward. I mean, beloved, sure, that's great, but it's hard for me to be in those spaces where people are really tied to the deep beliefs that I can't attribute in my life anymore.

0:23:14 - (Pamela): I can't stand on that same ground. Doesn't mean I can't be friends with them. But I also won't put up with people that think my husband has demons or things are evil and I'm like, yeah, no, you bring up your own shit with you, and you brought it, and your spiritual guidance is actually just triggers in your life that you haven't dealt with or discernment, I guess, is what it is. And it's like, so that's been an interesting part of the journey as well.

0:23:41 - (Pamela): One of the lanes of the highway.

0:23:43 - (Melissa): Yes, it's a multidimensional journey, for sure. I'm curious, now that you've been working, you've been on this freeway, you've been doing this thing for a while. What have you found to be the most supportive and helpful for you? Like, if you were to build, like, a roadside kit to bring along, what tools are you packing?

0:24:07 - (Pamela): I think one of the main tools that I would pack would just be good self care. And I'm reading a book, or I've hit pause here, good lord. Probably back in May, of a book called the Artist's Way, and it talks about taking yourself on an artist date and having no agenda, having nothing planned. Just go out and do what you want to do for x amount of time. And when I was faithful in doing those, trying to do those weekly, those were super helpful for me because it was. And I'm not a mom, there isn't like, I have a lot of things pulling on me other than my regular job, but there's something about just going and going by yourself and just being in a space, doing whatever you. I would often go to coffee shops, or I'd just wander downtown or I'd go for a drive.

0:25:02 - (Pamela): And I think that was just excellent self care for me. That was really helpful, and it was peaceful about it because there was no agenda, there was no schedule. So I think really good self care is something that definitely has to go in that pack of things. And almost for me, it's more what doesn't go in the pack. And that's kind of the self judgment, the to do list, I should be here by now type of thinking.

0:25:31 - (Pamela): You know what I mean? Right? Oh, I should have been here. And it's too easy to get caught up in that. So I think that's definitely keep it out of the kit. But the self care is a big thing. Hot baths for me are really healing and helping, and hot yoga, that's really good, too. And I think just the other big thing for me is playing. Just playing and figure out play dates. Hopefully that's with somebody else. If there's someone to play with, that's great.

0:26:01 - (Pamela): And if there isn't someone to play with, then just go out and play like me. I'm the weirdest person. I love people and I go out and I'm trimming the roses in front of our law office, right? Because that's one of my little jobs that I do in the many hats and freaking people will walk by and they'll stop and visit with me and chat with me. And I love that because it's just getting around people. And of course I'm an extrovert, so that's energizing to me. If you're an introvert, part of that tool is just know what you need.

0:26:31 - (Pamela): Then that's what goes in the case. Do I need alone time? Do I need people time? Do I need good food? Can I do junk food and be happy with that? And just that's part of that judgment piece too, is like, no, I'm going to eat this today and it's going to be fine. I'm going to order that Domino's pizza and I'm going to enjoy it and I'm going to pay for it later because I'm going to feel terrible, but I'm going to do it because it's comfort food at the moment and it's like letting go of the I think that's part of that self judgment piece that we all have. We can judge ourselves on everything.

0:27:01 - (Pamela): I saw a great post. It makes me think of this the other day. It's like when you're on your healing journey and you're learning all the things you should be doing, you should be getting enough sleep, you should be eating correctly, you should be exercising and you should be doing all of this that it can really set you up to what I call should all over yourself. Don't should on yourself, right? Because you can should yourself to death in that space.

0:27:27 - (Pamela): And it's like, what about a little more self acceptance? So I think that really has to go in that space, too. It's just self acceptance. If I'm tired someday I'm going to take a nap, I'm going to sleep in, I'm going to take a mental health day from the office, I'm going to do what I need to do in that space. And not necessarily without regard for other people, but kind of without regard for other people because we don't always need to be on taking care of other people, whatever that looks like, and being free to take a break and just take off. And so nature is huge. That also has to go in there some kind of nature. I don't care if you sit on a rock in the middle of a forest or if you go for whatever that is. So self care and lack of self judgment, let that go by the wayside and very important parts of the suitcase to pack on the journey.

0:28:19 - (Pamela): You.

0:28:20 - (Melissa): I love that. As you're talking, it's really got me thinking about the common threads through a few of these podcast interviews I'm recording ahead of time. So the guests that will be on the week before you, we're talking about passion and finding your passion and those things that you like to do. The guests brought up play and playing. They brought up putting yourself first and self care. And it's so interesting that the secrets to life into living a life that you love are the same.

0:28:58 - (Melissa): And having these something I'm hoping that the listeners are getting is that it's all the same answers. And hearing it from so many different points of view, I hope unlock something because truly, the relationship that you have with yourself while we're on this big rock in the middle of nothing and everything all at once, is the most important relationship that you're going to have. And you are with yourself 100% of the time.

0:29:26 - (Melissa): It should be a fun experience and it should be a comfortable experience like you've alluded to it. There's a lot that we have to unlearn from childhood, and it's just the way that things were and that's our own personal journey. But the progress that we make is, honestly, I think it's why the world spins in the middle of nothing and everything all at once. So that you can learn about yourself and grow that deep relationship.

0:29:55 - (Pamela): Absolutely. No. I mean, I got goosebumps. Like, while you were talking and repeating what that last episode talked about, I'm like, discovered goosebumps in my arms, like, full body tingles. And that's something strange that happens to me. I can't explain it. I don't know. But when I hear, and I almost in my own world, have come to believe that, I consider that absolute truth. So when something really echoes so deeply and it's like, oh, my God, what that person is saying is 100% of just the truth, and it just lights my body somehow on fire and maybe it resonates.

0:30:28 - (Pamela): I would like to learn more about frequencies or what have you. And so I feel like when you're speaking that and you're saying, yeah, it's play and it's self care and it's all of these things and growing in your own world, and it's like, that helps us resonate at a different frequency. And my body, whether it longs to do that and that's why it's on fire or it's just that. Yeah, that's super interesting.

0:30:51 - (Pamela): I love it. And I call those things echoes. Like when we constantly hear those echoes in that space, you're like, going, okay, listeners, are you hearing, this is what it takes?

0:31:01 - (Melissa): Yes. I love that playfulness. Sometimes it feels elusive, I think. And a lot of what we consume, especially if we're people that use the Internet, social media, or we're watching the news and things, playfulness is not ever brought up. It makes me think of that cartoon where it's the kids sitting at the desk and the teachers coming around and cutting the thought bubbles into squares. So instead of the thought bubbles being all different crazy things, they're all squares.

0:31:38 - (Melissa): What it makes me think of is we're just societally conditioned to view life as, like this hustle and grind. And I've got to get there faster and get to wherever there is. And the version of success, and that's absolutely not it.

0:31:54 - (Pamela): Goose egg, zero truth, not the thing. And it's when we forget to play and we take that part out of our lives and the creativity and the imagination, it's like, that's the artist's way is like, hey, well, I don't care what kind of artist you are, whether that's singing, writing, whatever it might be speaking, everything can be unlocked. And part of that's reverting to a childhood space. And I think the healing of our inner child in that space, too, because it's like, when did we learn to shut stuff down?

0:32:24 - (Pamela): When did we learn we had to behave a certain way? When did we learn? And it's like, and you can look at those things and go, yeah, we don't have to all look the same. That's why I love a lot of the performers that are really out there and just like, dress super crazy, and I'm just like, yeah, good for you. And you hear people like, I'm like, who gives a shit? Yay for her. Like Dolly Parton at the Super bowl, right?

0:32:50 - (Pamela): Are you freaking kidding me? I hope that that is me at her age, wearing that, doing that with the confidence that she has, and it's because she doesn't give a shit. Likes to play and laugh and have fun, and somewhere we learn we have to be serious all the goddamn time. And that's just not the truth. We all know those people that make us laugh and are goofy and bring that light to our lives, and it's because they're big freaking kids.

0:33:18 - (Pamela): And that's what we all want to be. But then, oh, we got to be so serious. No, we don't. Oh, my God. Laugh, play, have fun. Because it's kind of the zest for life. I think there is nothing saddered to me, honestly, than someone who just is so sad, or just so not sad, but someone who's bitter and shut down and. And awful in their own right. How they treat people, how they act, how they behave. And you're just like, who pooped in your cornflakes? Because, damn, you're just like, wow.

0:33:59 - (Pamela): And then my heart just breaks for those people. And I know they all have a story, so that's the same thing. I'm never going to judge anybody. I'm not going to put up with bullshit if they treat me in a certain way either. But nor do I want to judge them because they had a journey, too. Maybe they've had just a super shitty time in so many different ways, and all the joy got stolen from them and they got nothing. And I'm like, damn, it's really sad to see that. That's the saddest thing in the world for me, to see people that are just so far gone down that path.

0:34:33 - (Pamela): You're like, how do I inject some joy into you? How do I inject some? And they don't have to be happy, go lucky, goofy like I am. They don't have to be that. But where's the kindness? But I feel like you can kind of only give out what you receive, what you've been fed in some.

0:34:56 - (Melissa): I I agree. While you were explaining that, it made me think of on Facebook. I've had my little headline thing for quite a few years. It says, daily goal, be human sunshine. And when you're talking about you want to influence people positively. If I said human sunshine in the dictionary, it would definitely have Pamela. Right?

0:35:24 - (Pamela): Oh, that's awesome. Thank you.

0:35:26 - (Melissa): I appreciate just the way that you show up. You embody that fully. And there's so much of what we did in Costa Rica and the memories that I have from it, that wild shit you said, Tracy said, just ideas that you have that you share with us is hilarious.

0:35:54 - (Pamela): Where in the hell have you been all this time? Yeah, well, and I think that's part of what I've honestly repressed. It's part of my current struggle is I work in a law firm. Law firms aren't known to be fun places to go. I am the front face of the law firm. I answer the phones. I'm at the front desk to greet. I do all the things, but I let my freak flag fly. And I hate to call it a freak flag, but I think that's a good term for things. It's like you got to let yourself out in spaces, and I can control it in moderation, but I like to just shine on the people that come in the door and do that kind of thing.

0:36:34 - (Pamela): But I think I also have to be pretty well behaved, and I'm sort of over being behaved in my life. I don't want to behave anymore. I've behaved for 50 fucking years, and I'm tired of it. I don't want to behave. I want to be that person and that I can just be me, and I can be obnoxious and boisterous and dress like the weirdest person you've ever seen in your entire life and not care and just be, and not have to suppress me into a box of how I should be in the world to make everybody else comfortable.

0:37:13 - (Pamela): Because I think part of what I've learned is that me being me helps everybody else show up or let loose of something in their life. And maybe that's even fashion wise. I mean, I wear crazy stuff that doesn't go with the seasons, and it's not in fashion and whatever, and I'm like, I don't care. Never have cared. It's not a thing. I've dressed kind of strange since I was a young kid, and it's just what I like to do. And people are like, oh, blah, blah, blah. I'm like, yeah, I don't care.

0:37:46 - (Pamela): I don't care. But I think us being ourselves, and I think that's you, too. Your authenticity, it empowers other people to be authentic. And I think that's such a needed skill in our world, and it's not necessary a skill, because you can't be. I hate the fake authenticity. I can flag that shit down so hard now, and it makes me want to vomit. And I'm like, you're not being real right there. And I think that was me for a lot of my life, and I have some regrets in that space.

0:38:25 - (Pamela): And it wasn't intentional. I don't believe it was learned behavior. I had to be a certain way and whatever. I had a gentleman come here a couple years ago to come speak. His name is Mike Maishero, and he's absolutely amazing. And he was a pastor at the big church out Bethel in California, and he came out as gay and lost everything because that's a sin. And blah, blah, blah, and he's just amazing. But I brought him out here one time to talk with folks, and he's just very powerful and empowering in his own right. But he told me, we're on the way to the airport to take him back. I'm driving back with him, and he's like, okay, you got me one on one. What kind of questions you want to ask?

0:39:06 - (Pamela): I'm like, well, I said, I feel stuck, and this is years ago. I'm like, I feel stuck, like I don't know what to do and what have you and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, well, he's like, I think you're in a cage of your own making. He said, I think the door is open and you can go out at any time. Yeah. And I was just like, oh, I just got goosebumps all the way down my legs. I'm in a cage I created so I would be approved and all of that.

0:39:32 - (Pamela): And then something he said to me, because he watched me interact with people, and there were people from all different kind of walks of life that came to the event that I hosted. And he's like, it's very interesting to me. He said, sometimes when you spoke, there was almost like a static he kind of heard when I was talking. And then he said, at other times, it was crystal clear. And he kind of noted. He's like, basically he said, I think you morphed into what each person you talked to needed you to be.

0:40:03 - (Pamela): And I did something weird, and somebody made a comment. I'm like, it's just the way God made me or whatever. And he said, at that point, he said, I think that's the most honest you were all weekend because you didn't make an excuse. You're just like, that was you, and you weren't going to morph yourself back into a box and back into that cage or to make other people more comfortable with you or with how they feel about themselves.

0:40:31 - (Pamela): And that's never left my brain. Like, I've always thought about that, and I think that's part of authenticity. When you're learning, it sounds weird, you're learning to be authentic, but it's more like you're unlearning the fake that you learned your whole life, the fake behaviors and the fake stuff. And it doesn't mean I was full of crap before, but it just means that I didn't know who I was, and I had to be loved by everyone.

0:40:59 - (Pamela): I couldn't be unliked or unlovable. And it's like, yeah, I can be. Now I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's great. If you don't like it, flick on by and keep on walking because I'm going to be me and just do me. Go find some other boring fucker to enjoy. I'm not your taste. If I'm not your flavor, keep on walking because I'm not interested in. There is the side of it too. I want to take into account people and where they're at and I want to meet them where they're at and love them where they're at.

0:41:35 - (Melissa): Yeah.

0:41:35 - (Pamela): It doesn't require me to change myself.

0:41:39 - (Melissa): Exactly.

0:41:40 - (Pamela): Yeah. If anything, it's sad to change yourself. You know what I mean? It's disingenuous. It's just not real when you have to tone things in a certain way to arrive there because it doesn't help them arrive in any better spaces either, for sure.

0:42:02 - (Melissa): Precisely. I'm enthralled by everything you say. I'm just like, yes, keep dog, this is so good. And I very much appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to peel back the layers and talk truly, honestly about what you've been experiencing and where you've come from and what you're unpacking and the amount of growth is apparent. I want to kind of like, we're on this road trip or you're on this road trip and we figured out where you started and what the journeys look like so far and what you would pack along as tools.

0:42:45 - (Melissa): And I'm curious now to wrap it together is where's the destination? Do we have a destination? Is this choose your own adventure? What does the future look like for you?

0:43:03 - (Pamela): That's a good question.

0:43:10 - (Melissa): Yeah.

0:43:11 - (Pamela): As I alluded to before, I don't think that there is an arrival spot. Like, I'm not on a treasure hunt where there's going to be an x someday I'm going to be done and I'm going to be complete and whole and lovely and everything in my world is going to be perfect. I am on a journey where there's lots of X's along the way. So imagine a treasure map and then see this red x and this space and then you go 100 miles further and there's this red x and that space and there is. So it's almost like a treasure hunt of a journey of locations.

0:43:46 - (Pamela): And I just feel like the locations will get more beautiful as I go along and learn more about myself because what's happened to me is I have more love for myself and more love for others along that journey. And to me, a space where I can just truly say that I love myself. We all have our moments. Yes, we have our moments. And God, if people could read the shit in my brain, it would be terrifying to most people on the planet. Like, it would be like, oh my God, I can't believe you talked to anyone like that. I'm like, yeah, I talked to myself like that, but just those journeys along the way.

0:44:23 - (Pamela): And I feel like it's a continual journey that gets brighter and more beautiful. And yeah, there's going to be bumps and there's going to be caves that you go through on that journey or tunnels that are darker than other days just because that's life. But it's a continual journey. It's almost like going around the world and you're just going to keep going and you keep finding other places and beautiful places to stop and admire.

0:44:48 - (Pamela): And I don't think there's necessarily a destination. Kind of pragmatically in my world, I feel like my journey would be more into talking to people more, I mean, doing a lot more things like this, visiting with folks and getting even in small groups to just help empower people and help them slough off stuff. I'm not a medical doctor, I'm not a nurse, I'm not a psychologist, but it's just like the road of life. And if there's a way to get kind of empowered on that journey, to help empower others, that's what I would like to do. I would like to get out of the admin profession.

0:45:31 - (Pamela): In my world. I'm really freaking good at administrative stuff and I'm really awesome at it, but it also sucks the life out of me because there's no creativity in that space and I can use my brain and figure things out, but I want to be in a space where I feel like I'm impacting humans, and not that I don't impact humans every day, but just in a different way. I want to help the generations below me be smarter than I was at their age, be more authentic than they were at their age. And so, like I say, pragmatically, I see that as maybe more writing.

0:46:12 - (Pamela): I don't know if it's a podcast myself someday, I have no idea, but it's getting in front of people some way somehow. And I think that's part of my contemplation of the mushroom journey, is why am I stuck here? Why can't I make the leap to that next x? What is it? And I know it's deep stuff within me. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I know there's a deep block inside myself somewhere that won't let me do that. And there's fear. So much fear.

0:46:43 - (Pamela): But pragmatically, I just see that as what the future holds for me, as another beautiful x down the way, is that someday I won't be going to an office from nine to five every day and doing all the things and keeping track of all the stuff and all of that, because I love the people I work with. I love the people I work for. It's just like. But I need more. That's my thing for this year, 2024. When this airs is more in 2024, that's what I want.

0:47:13 - (Pamela): And it doesn't necessarily mean more money, it doesn't necessarily mean more, whatever. It just means. Just means more life, I guess. More in 2024. And I'm not going to just settle for less. And I want to keep going down that treasure map and keep adding treasure map and keep adding beautiful things to my basket. That's what I want to keep adding. Pulling my little red flyer radio flyer wagon behind me, just full of the most beautiful stuff ever. Hopefully, it won't be a giant turd from the sky like Joe dirt, but hopefully it'll be more fun.

0:47:56 - (Pamela): And honestly, a huge part of it is making people laugh and enjoying that. And, God, I have done stand up comedy on stage, and it's not that I don't know if I would do that again, necessarily, but I love that. I love helping people just laugh, and that's a big part of it, too, because we all need more laughter in our life, and we need more laughter. Bam. Probably half of the world's problem solved. Truly, if we could do those things, because it would expand everything else in the world.

0:48:26 - (Pamela): If you love people more, you give them more credit. You are empathetic with them, you care for them, you help them with their issues. You do all the things that our world so desperately needs. And if you're laughing more, you're also rising. You're raising the tide of joy in that space, too. So just more. We need more of it in 2024.

0:48:50 - (Melissa): I can't wait to talk to you at the end of 2024 and reflect on the progress that you've had. And I am so grateful that you shared what the future looks like for you, because I can hear that you have such a clear vision for what it is that you want. And I just want to remind you, and maybe you don't need the reminder, but just the fact that you can see it, and it's on your heart. It's there for a reason, and you are more than capable of getting there and creating that life.

0:49:23 - (Melissa): And I'm so fucking excited to have a front row seat to this shit because I am here for it. Anything that you can. Just watching people build a life that feels more like a Saturday and, right, that's the terminology that I connect with. And so that's what I teach on. It just is so juicy to me, and it just hypes me up and it gets me really excited. And I don't know if you're much into human design, and I would say I'm not a ton into it, but I do know a couple of things.

0:49:56 - (Melissa): My energy situation, I'm a generator, which means that when things light me up, I create energy that other people are able to feed off of and grow from. And Pamela's future story, like, what you're aiming for, it's lighting me up and it's just making me feel like, yeah, that's get it, girl.

0:50:21 - (Pamela): Just go get it. Awesome. I love that. Thank you for that reminder, and thank you for sharing that. I don't know a lot about human design, that direction. I'd be curious to learn more on that. And I'm fascinated by how we all interact in different spaces and how we're wired to interact in different spaces. But yeah, that's awesome because that energizes me, too. Talking to people and just hearing that, you're just like, yeah, go get it, go get it. And in a writers group right now and it's amazing because I hear, oh, my God, these writers are friggin awesome.

0:50:58 - (Pamela): I'm going to read one of the gals books as an arc reader soon, and it's incredible, but I've been on the journey since February to hear her writing this, and it's incredible to do that. And like, oh, yeah, there's just something about being able to encourage each other in a space and find those spaces to do it in. And even if it's just some dude walking down the street that I get to smile at as I walk into my office and tell him, have a nice day.

0:51:24 - (Pamela): Both of our days are brighter for it, and I love it. And I walk away and I'm just like, I'm a whole different person around other humans, and right now I'm not around a lot of other humans, so that's part of my puzzle. Get around humans. Figure that out.

0:51:42 - (Melissa): I'm like, I hang out with my dogs. The it I get um, thank you so much for coming onto the podcast. It's been an absolute pleasure to chat with you. And I know that the listeners are totally vibing with Pamela, and they're going to want to get more of you. So where do you hang out online? Where can they connect with?

0:52:08 - (Pamela): Know, the only spots I'm really online these days is I have a blog@pamcakebanter.com, which is like pancake you would eat, but with a pam in it. So. Pamcakebanter.com. And that's also my handle on Instagram there. And I haven't been very active in the social media world for a stretch. It's part of my journey, but I hope to gain more activity down that path as it goes and connect with people, because that's part of it, too. Sharing in that space and connecting with complete and utter strangers in the middle of the world of nowhere that you know nothing about.

0:52:42 - (Pamela): So pancake banter. That's the way to kind of hunt me down anywhere.

0:52:46 - (Melissa): And I always ask the guests this, what is your favorite emoji?

0:52:52 - (Pamela): My favorite emoji? Oh, my gosh. Mmm. I definitely. I'm a big heart emoji fan for sure. And I like the confetti emoji, and the poop emoji is just too much fun not to use frequently, too. So I've kind of like all three of those things that kind of describes me hards, confetti and poop. There you go. Me in a nutshell.

0:53:23 - (Melissa): All right, friends, if you want to go connect with Pam on her instagram or on her blog, they'll both be linked in the show notes and send her a confetti emoji, or confetti and poop emoji. She'll know that you came from the podcast. Pamela, one last question before we say our goodbyes. What does my life is a Saturday mean to you?

0:53:46 - (Pamela): My life is a Saturday. What it means to me is that each day would unfold in the way I desire it to be. Because to me, Saturdays are free days. Saturdays are days where I don't have to get up at a certain time and I can just kind of mellow into the house or do what I want to do. Saturday is kind of a no plan day. And it's not that I don't want to have plans in my life as a Saturday, but I want to do the things that I want to do in that space. And to me, that's what Saturday, my life as a Saturday, means.

0:54:23 - (Pamela): Do the things that bring me joy, do the things that I'm passionate about, do, the things that I enjoy doing, whatever those things are, knowing that those will change and they'll change every week, they'll change every moment. They'll change every day. They'll change. But knowing that it's all okay and my life is a Saturday means I can do what I want to do on those days and enjoy and engage or disengage as I feel it and just be a part of this beautiful rock that's spinning in the middle of nowhere and everywhere all at once.

0:55:01 - (Melissa): Love it, love it, love it, love it. Camilla, it's been an absolute pleasure to chat with you. I just, again, appreciate your vulnerability and your willingness to go there and the way that you just bring humor into the journey. Before we started recording, I was like, I'm kind of pmsing today. I'm a little bit cranky. I feel so much better just from chatting with you. I'm like, all right, let's go get it. We got this.

0:55:35 - (Pamela): That's awesome. I love it. Thank you for having me. And thank you for all the things that you're doing to help people rise above all the stuff. Because what you do is beautiful in all your spaces, because you're going after and getting it is helping give others permission to go after and get it. And you may be junior to me in years, but you are not junior to me in experience or boldness or braveness, because I admire the shit out of you, because you're fucking amazing.

0:56:06 - (Pamela): And I've loved to get to know you and to watch your life unfold, even from where it was last February, and just watch the journey you've been on and what you've unpacked and what you've accomplished. It's amazing and it's inspiring to me. So thank you for just being you and in all the ways that you are. And I just think it's awesome. And I'm so grateful that we met and got together in the airport for drinks before we got on the plane to Costa Rica. And it's just been awesome ever since.

0:56:42 - (Melissa): You just ditto. Back to you. I'm really trying to learn how to accept praise and compliments with a thank you.

0:56:52 - (Pamela): That's a good way to do it. You did great. That's awesome. No disparaging comment to follow. Just like, thank you. I know I'm fucking awesome. Way to say it.

0:57:06 - (Melissa): There we go. All right, my dear friends, that is it for this episode. We appreciate you tuning in, and I'm going to leave you with this. Your life can be anything that you want it. If you can dream it, the vision is yours to create and you and the relationship that you have with yourself is absolutely the most important thing. Because after all, we're on a spinning rock in the middle of nothing and everything all at once.

0:57:33 - (Melissa): Enjoy. Bye bye. Thanks for tuning in to my life as a Saturday. I hope you enjoyed this episode and are feeling inspired to live your best life. If you liked what you heard, please subscribe, leave a review and share it with your friends. You can also follow us on Instagram and Facebook at my life is a Saturday for more fun and inspiration. Remember, life is short, so let's make the most out of every day.